Saturday, January 12, 2013

Merry Christmas from Witness Protection!

It's been nearly a month since I got a bunch of fun stuff in the mail for Christmas, and I am just now getting around to blogging about it. This particular entry is dedicated to Jaime Hood, of ShezCrafti fame. I dragged my feet trying to decide how to write this post because I was afraid for my life... and I think you'll see why as soon as I start reviewing the contents of the package I received from Ms. Hood. If that is in fact her real name. 

When the call goes out: "Merry Geekmas! Come Get Your Presents!" no self-respecting Geek blogger will refuse to answer. Jaime Hood wanted to make it rain up in here with Christmas goodies. But at the time, the innocent, naive, little old Goodwill Geek had no idea her motives were not altruistic, but horribly sinister in nature. Let me explain.

Jaime's had kind of a terrible 2012. The Mayans actually had it right... but pretty much just for one person. I'm not going to go into great detail, but the latter half of her year sort of took a nose-dive into a steaming pile of warm Reindeer Raisinets. At the time she posted her Christmas call to arms of "come 'n get it!" she'd had some pretty big bad news already, and unbeknownst to her at the time, she was in for more of the same. 

It was in the middle of this rough patch that Jaime posted on her blog that she was giving away free Christmas cheer, and I was ALL OVER THAT. If I had only known... 

So when I received a package in the mail from the ShezCrafti offices a few days before Christmas arrived I was at first elated... and then in turns more and more horrified as I explored it. This package contained: 

I handled this with gloves... just in case.
A card! There is a note written on the back, but it is not for y'all to see. It goes to some pretty dark places. Dark places I don't want to go back to. Like, eyeless albino cave-fish dark. The front of the card as you can see, is quaint, with some sort of psychedelic drug reference going on with mushrooms. I don't get it, personally. I know Jaime's having a hard time right now, so I just applaud the effort it must have taken her to leave her home and go to the post-office wearing whatever tattered remnants of a bathrobe she could find. Whatever it takes to get her through this difficult period. It was very Christmas-y! 

Bombs in the mail are always... festive.
Upon seeing this mail-bomb I initially screamed, and threw it across the room. After the bomb-squad left, and I was given a stern warning not to "pull this s#!t again" I realized this was a bob-omb filled with powdered candy, and not in fact an attempt on my life or some sort of veiled threat (although the possibility of a double-entendre has not escaped me...). 

Are... you threatening me?
Yet another manifestation of rage was found at the bottom of the box, where a Wreck-It Ralph figure was found, brandishing his menacing, ham-like fists. She thinly explained that it was included because I wrote a post about liking the movie. I don't recall ever having written such a post, and I think the message here is disturbingly clear. I'm a dead man. 

Stare deep into the darkest depths of despair.
All kidding aside, you can all go check her blog for the play-by-play, because I'm not dropping details here, but Jaime is amazing to have gotten through 2012 in one piece. But it's last year's business. We're looking ahead here. What did our ShezCrafti Girl Friday do instead of rolling up in her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sleeping bag and hibernating until menopause? She sent out Christmas Gifties to anyone who raised their hand and said "Oy! Over here!"

Chuck Norris, please take note. 

Jaime Hood is pure awesome, and I loved this package she sent me just because she was feeling generous at a time in her life when I'm sure it was hard to feel generous at all. She went above and beyond, and she is unutterably cool because of it. I'm just a terrible internet buddy for waiting so long to blog about it. 

Thank you Jaime! 


  1. Replies
    1. I certainly thought so! I was very grateful.

  2. Those are cool gifts and Jaime was so nice to send them. : )

  3. That bomb is, well, the bomb !

    1. Yes, THE bomb... Though to clarify... not A bomb. There is apparently a pretty big legal difference.

  4. Oh this was too damn funny. Well done sir. Also, this reminds me, I really need to get to my Christmas posts up.

    1. I've got one more to come. It won't be as farcical as this one, since I did this one this way primarily in the hopes that it would make Jaime smile.

      I still have a Dork Horde Secret Santa package to post about!

  5. I'm glad you liked the stuff. And thank you for this epic re-telling of my saga, and for being a good friend! :)

    (Also, I wouldn't eat the powdered candy if I were you. I may or may not have laced it with anthrax.)

    1. I've been feeling a little anthrax-y. I should have seen that coming. Damn!


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