TOTAL DARKNESS: Kind Of Sort Of Final Stand (A Diary of a Dorkette: "All My Toys" Tie-In)

Total Darkness has fallen. 

Oh the villains? We won. 

The afterlife is bleeding into the world because of Maleficent, and now the dead and the living are... well... living together. We live in a world now where the good guys are on the run and the bad guys are out hunting. Villainy is on steroids these days, and the heroes are being rounded up like cattle and herded into prisons (It's harder to outright KILL the heroes because you know... the whole afterlife bleeding into the world thing... but we take what we can get). And of course, almost EVERY battle appears to take place on the corner of someone's desk... because THAT is what MANY parts of the world look like now thanks to TOTAL DARKNESS!!!! Mwuah-ha-hahhh!!!

You still hear about pathetic little groups popping up here and there, trying to fight back, trying to resist... but the evil on the breeze is just too potent. It's like a Dutch Oven EVERYWHERE these days. There is strength in numbers, and the forces of evil just have the numbers these days. 

Solo heroes don't have a chance. Panthro, split from the rest of his Thundercats pack was an easy prey to villains on the prowl. Boo-frikkin-hoo. I always thought that guy had to be the love child of Mr. Clean and Catwoman. 

Even some of the biggest pains-in-the-butt heroes, like Snake-Eyes, have been tracked and hunted like dogs in the street. It just takes the right kind of hunters. And do we know some hunters in SPADES. 

The time-stream isn't even a safe haven! All the trouble we've been mixing up makes time travel difficult... tricky... weird... er... complicated... dangerous? Just ask Spector. And the few Time Travellers who haven't removed themselves from the timestream completely are mostly villains who are out to settle scores with some of the so-called "Lords" of time. He was like "I'm the Doctor." and we were all like, doctor who?" Amirite?

Superman was detained fairly early on. But he's not the only god-like hero of strength and virtue out there. There are other heavy-hitting heroes, who wear their underwear the wrong side out, that had to be taken out by even heavier-hitting villains. But Superman would have shed an all-American tear (if he wasn't our B**CH!!!) to see those brave last stands. 

Well established crime fighting teams and partnerships have been broken asunder by the forces of evil. Carried off to separate prisons to keep them docile. Or... we assume prisons. No one has really been checking up on Merman and those tentacled aliens from Springfield. Probably nothing weird going on there.

Moving on. 

Almost every force for good, big or small, has been dealt with. In special cases, we genuinely hope the forces of good are eaten and digested and turned into fertilizer because they are so annoying with their shrill, repetitive singing and their little matchy-matchy outfits. Ugh.

This is also a time of strange rivalries suddenly surfacing and being violently dealt with... rivalries that possibly no one had ever even been aware of. Rivalries that maybe make no sense to anyone on the outside of them. Hey even we villains have our fringe groups. 

Even the most brilliant-big-brained bravadoes  have been laid low by the muscle-bound, mindless masses of mayhem. The sheer force of wave after wave of villains beating them down has had the intended effect. DOMINATION BY THE FORCES OF EVIL!!!

Vincent: Which brings us to here... now. Me. Vincent. Standing before you lousy troops, explaining all of this information to you that you already must obviously know, in a strangely expository (but still COMMANDING!) way! Because our Lord Hordak--

Gathered Troops: LONG LIVE THE HORDE!!!

Vincent: -Sigh- Yeeeeessss... Long live the Horde and all that. Our Lord Hordak--

Gathered Troops: LONG LIVE THE HORDE!!!

Vincent: Yup! Got it! Long live the Horde! OUR BOSS has given me command of his so called "Elite Death Squad" in order to track down that misfit band of miscreant mutant morons led by Petey Graffiti!!! 

Vincent: With the unstoppable force of the Juggernaut, 

Juggernaut: Yeah!

Vincent: The mutagenetic mad science of Baxter Stockman,

Baxter Stockman: Zzzzzsure enough! 

Vincent: The battlefield knowledge of tactician Gorneesh

Gorneesh: Errr.. yeah! Yes! Yup, that's me! Tactician!

Vincent: The berserker roadrage of RamBam, 

RamBam: Graah!

Vincent: The power-plucking-prowess of Leech, 

Leech: Hmph.

Vincent: And the geriatric... and the grandiose... the... then we have Granny Gross! 

Granny Gross: Darn tootin' whippersnapper! (Hmmm. now where's that butterscotch I had in my purse?)

Vincent: And with this elite squad I shall finally track down my twin brother, Prince, and add his power to my own! I am so tired of that guy and his happy-go-lucky attitude! I'm going to finally see him and his mysteriously ambivalent and hard-to-define power-set fail and Fail and FAIL!!! I will show HIM which of us mother loved best! It doesn't matter if he was born 2 minutes before me! He always got the better toys, the better desserts, and he had the respect and approval of our father... I'm so SICK--

Baxter Stockman: Thiizzzz feelzzzz like you're oversharing juzzzzt a bit zzzzsir. 

RamBam: Graah!

Gorneesh: Yeah, when Hordak--

Gathered Troops: LONG LIVE THE HORDE!!!

Gorneesh: --gives us speeches he doesn't monologue for NEARLY as long as you have been. 

Vincent: I'LL MONOLOGUE IF I DAMN WELL PLEASE!!!

Leech: Yeah. Let's slow the roll here "big guy". I'm still not 100% convinced that you're the one that should be heading up this little operation. I mean... where's Optikk? He usually leads these types of missions... right? I mean, c'mon... you? You would fit comfortably in my shaving kit. AND I DON'T EVEN OWN A SHAVING KIT ya know what I'm sayin'? Who died and made you a general in the Horde? Why should I follow your lead? I mean, I'm seriously questioning your judgment right off the bat. For instance, who invited Gorneesh along? 

Gorneesh: Hey!

Juggernaut: We were all thinkin' it man.

Gorneesh: But I'm a tactician!

RamBam: Graah! 

Gorneesh: Aw.

Leech: One word: Ewoks. You can't stop a village of Teddy Bears with sharp sticks. I got NO RESPECT. I mean, where's Bebop and Rocksteady? Or heck, I'd take that Klunk guy who's always fighting the Bionic Six. Who picked this team? You? Vincent the Teensy-Weensy? Not the most faith-inspiring--

Vincent: You require proof of my power?

Leech: Uh... Yeah!

Vincent: Fine then. You will discover I was not chosen for this position only due to my own latent magic abilities. I was not chosen simply because I wield the staff of Macguffin with a deadly precision. I was chosen for my skills in the ART OF PAIN!!!

Leech: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! (This was actually shortened considerably for your convenience. You are welcome.) 

Meanwhile Elsewhere:

Petey: Okay guys! I'm not going to kid you here... things look pretty grim. Bulldozer, Chicky, Vocal-Chord, Prince, and Blob... we may very well be one of the last lines of defense in the fight against evil.

Bulldozer: Yeah, no kidding bub! Almost all the bubs we know have been rounded up and packed in prisons!

Blob: Villains roam da' streets!

Vocal-Chord: The Cheesecake Factory is no longer honoring DealChicken coupons. 

Petey: We all know how bad it's gotten. And we all know how important it is to keep our heads down, keep a low profile, and keep to the shadows so we don't end up jailed like all the others. I've put out a call to some of our reserve members, but I have no idea if they've been jailed, if they got my messages, or if they're just screening their calls. Regardless, we have to keep striving to make a difference in this world. We have to look out of the little guys! We have to fight--

Chicky: --YAWN--

Petey: Chicky... baby... am I... boring you?

Chicky: Humwhuah? Oh! No! Love your speeches! Great speech. That was a yawn of... hopelessness and despair. 

Peter: Oh baby, you don't need to despair. I'm here. I'll always be right here with you. 

Chicky: I know Petey, but my nebulous yet almost demigod-like telepsychoclairvoyopathometrikinetic powers keep giving me uselessly vague yet plot-movingly terrifying images of the future (or images of several infinite possible futures) to come! Hold me Petey! Put your arms around me! 

Petey: I... you know I can't do that Chicky. 

Chicky: I NEED you to hold me RIGHT NOW. 

Petey: Chicky, you know that even if my arm span actually could fit around the circumference of your head, I still can't because my arms are fused to my body. It's part of my mutant power. 

Chicky: Then just french kiss me!

Petey: Okay, you know I love you... right... so I'm going to explain this again... bird beaks... and human mouths... Oh what the heck. We're all going to be imprisoned by evil soon anyway. Pucker up chicken-lips.  

Petey & Chicky (Off Panel): --Horrific slurping noises--

Prince: I feel weird being here. Right now. 

Vocal Chord: I cannot express emotions yet I feel awkward. Why do they sound MORE organic than they should?

Blob: Do dey know... we're right here? Watchin' 'em?

Bulldozer: I like it. 

Blob: Bulldozer, 

Bulldozer: Bub.

Blob: You know my name's Blob

Bulldozer: Will you settle for blub?

Blob: ... I can't help but look around at dis' ragtag band of misfits and notice that most a' us was once villains ourselves! I mean, you was once Terri-Bull, I was once da Gulper Ghost, Vocal Chord was once a Tyrant of da' Wind Enforcer... Prince was one a' Robin Hoods highwaymen, Petey's a vandal, and Chicky... well she's a beatnick chicken puppet. Dat's bad enough. 

Bulldozer: Yep. 

Blob: Do yuz ever think about going back to da' dark side? 

Bulldozer: Sure do, bub.

Blob: Wha--? What keeps yuz from doin' it den? 

Bulldozer: I got the secret hots for Chicky. It's tumultuous. I'm a bad boy. She's secretly into me too but she doesn't let on... I think. Because I'm so brooding and I've got metal bones. I'm complicated. But as long as I think I might have a shot? I'm sticking around. 

Blob: Oh... uh... Chicky huh? Really? 

Bulldozer: We're mini-figures man. Options are limited. Who's gonna go out with me? Velma? Storm? Wonder Woman? Nope. Chicky's where its at. Maybe. Someday. When she sees past my feral exterior to my heart of nougaty-gold. I've got berserker rages. I'm complicated. 

Petey: Hey man. 

Prince: Hey. 

Petey: So... your brother, Vincent. What's his deal man? 

Prince: He just pretty much hates me. Ever since we were born. I think he gave me a wedgie while we were IN the womb. He thinks Mom and Dad liked me better. 

Petey: Did they? 

Prince: Well... they named me Princent for a reason. So they could call me Prince. 

Petey: Wait. What.

Prince: Yeah. My full name is Princent. 

Petey: Is that why your parents are dead?

Prince: I don't want to talk about it. 

Petey: All right you guys. This is it. We're going to stay together as a team and go out there and help the little guys! The Evil Horde has ALWAYS been a problem, but just because some evil fairy brought the dead to town doesn't mean that anything has changed. 

Blob: Except for the amped up evil powers. I mean they're all like on villainous PCP or something. Bath Salts. I think this is the only time we can justifiably use the term "ridonculous" in a non-ironic way and have it actually mean something. 

Prince: And then there's all of our allies being imprisoned. Like, you guys, Superman is in prison right now. Think about that. We're pretty much on our own against guys like Darkseid, Thanos, Hordak, and Maleficent. Not to mention my brother. What are my powers again?

Chicky: And the fact that the--

Petey: GUYS! Missing the point guys. Remember the days when our base of operations was a junkyard? We've come so much further than that! I mean, hey, it's no Australian lair filled with near-sentient computers, or a tower in New York topped with the Sentry's stronghold, or an Asteroid or anything... but it appears to be the semi-clean corner of some random guy's desk, and you can't tell me that doesn't count for something!

Vocal Chord: I can not express emotions but I have urinated a tiny bit thinking about the future. 

Petey: And THAT has to be what we all have in common! We are a TEAM! We will stand strong! We will stand TOGETHER and we will use our highly derivative yet poorly defined mutant powers--

Bulldozer: I think I have a healing factor! I'm complicated.

Petey: --and status as brooding outcasts to make it through this mess! Let's bring it in! 

Petey: On three guys! We don't have a team name so just shout hooray real loud!

Vocal Chord: Peter I do not believe you have your hand in with everyone else's.

Petey: Yeah. It's in there. Trust me. 

Blob: Nope. Not in 'dere. 

Petey: Well, my elbow's just gonna haveta do OKAY!? 1-2-3--

All the Heroes Together (Including Vocal Chord at ear-splitting levels): HOOOORAAAY!!!

SUDDENLY: In a flash, Vincent and his death-squad appear before the heroes. 

Vincent: Oh. Here you losers are. We could hear you cheering like a big bunch of boobs. ATTACK!!!

Leech: Okay boss! Whatever you say boss!

 

Blob: Uhhh... can we talk about 'dis? 

Leech: Nope. But I can have-- 

Leech: LUNCH!!! --Sluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrppp!!!-- (Again shortened considerably for your consideration. Blob is made of slime and Leech slurps when he eats because he sucks so much.)

Chicky: Oh I don't know how I feel about using my psychoteledeusexmachinatic powers on a senior citizen!!!

Granny Gross: Oh isn't that sweet of you dear!

Granny Gross: As sweet as a Butterscotch candy!!! NOM-NOM-NOM!!!

Petey: Oh shhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--

RamBam: Graah!

Petey: --iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii--

RamBam: Graah!

Petey: --iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!

RamBam: Graah!

Vocal Chord: I will hit you with an ultra-sonic sound explosion!!! 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Baxter Stockman: Oh you are juszzzt szzzo cute! I uszzzed to work with roboticszzz myszzzelf! I know juszzzt how to deal with you!!!

Baxter Stockman: SZZZWAT YOU LIKE A FLY!!!! HEE-HEE-HEE!!!

Vocal Chord: Ouch.

Bulldozer: All right Bub! Here's a punch to the jaw!

Gorneesh: My name is Gorneesh. Not bub. Ow.

Bulldozer: I just call everybody that. I'm complicated. 

Bulldozer: Looks like this fight isn't going the way you wanted it to, bub. Now if you don't call off the rest of your goons right now, I'm going to pop my claws into your throat. I'M COMPLICATED!!!

Gorneesh: You know what else is complicated?

Bulldozer: What? My backstory?

Juggernaut: BODY SLAM!

Gorneesh: My plan to get beaten up by a hero a third my size to distract him so that Juggernaut could pulverize him worked! I am a tactician! 

Juggernaut: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Vincent: And now my brother... thanks to Maleficent's spell, the power of the darkness flows freely through me! Your stupid little friends are no match for my stupid BIG friends! Ha!

Juggernaut: Hey!

Vincent: And now, sweet Princent, I will use the Staff of Macguffin to draw ALL of your powers into me! Including the powers that should have been mine since birth: Your own! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Prince: You won't get away with this Vince! You won't! We'll find a way to stop you! To stop all of this! We might not be able to stop Maleficent, because that it probably going on in some other story somewhere else... but we will find a way to stop you! Because that is our part of this crossover mega-event! 

Vincent: What?

Prince: I mean duty! It's our duty! 

Vincent: Yes... well. You SMELL like doody! So there! 

Leech: Good one boss!

Vincent: And now...

Vincent: Pain.

Prince: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! (Shortened. You know.)

Lizard: Holee! Did you guys see that???

Blur: Suredidlizardwhatarewegonnadothough?

Flyboy: Blargh! Phhhlllppttthh!!!

Tick-Tick: It's a good thing we all took our time showing up when Petey called, and that we hid behind this conveniently placed VHS tape just before Vincent and his villains arrived! Being reserve members isn't so bad sometimes.

Windy the Raisin: Toot!

Lizard: We gotta get some back up! We gotta help those guys!

Tick-Tick: Do we?

TO BE CONCLUDED AT THE END OF THE TOTAL DARKNESS MEGA EVENT

Will Petey and the gang survive this battle? 

Can Lizard and Tick-Tick rally the troops to save them and stop Vincent?

Will the next part of the story be so god-awfully long? 

Find out when Total Darkness concludes!!!

My thanks to Miss M over at a Diary of a Dorkette for her awesome "All My Toys" storyline! Be sure to check it out over at Diary of a Dorkette!

That's all I've got for tonight kids! We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming next time, and I'll be back with some Geeky Goodwill Goodies soon enough! Until then, Happy Hunting!